


Et je t'aime encore

by fromthenorthernskies



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Angst with a Happy Ending, BUT I STILL LOVE IT, Fluff, I can't bear to look at this work anymore it's hurting me, I wrote this in a haze, I'm lowkey super proud of that one, M/M, The Clowns - Freeform, This hurts but it hurts in all the best ways I promise, after a weird dream, also inspired by some AU I decided to scrap, always them, today in Emerald's world: we learn I write better if I write in French first then translate it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:15:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25511950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fromthenorthernskies/pseuds/fromthenorthernskies
Summary: “What if you never come back to me?”“Then I haven’t made it home yet – wait for me. I’ll always come back to you.”“But I won’t know when you come home, until you really do...”“You’re strong. Have some faith in you. In me. In us.”What was real, what was false? It took him days before understanding that it was the real version of the world – days were moving normally, like they should, but mostly, he was back at the very same day when he had left the first time. When he had exiled himself, for a few months, before trying the pendant on his neck. Because he wanted to know, he needed to know, he craved knowledge and was plagued with curiosity. But it had a price – and it was a heavy one Crystal was barely able to bear on his shoulders.
Relationships: Gigi Goode/Crystal Methyd
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	Et je t'aime encore

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone, welcome to my most recent work!  
> This was inspired by a weird vivid dream I had a while ago, that dabbled in soulmates and time traveling (kinda).  
> I hope you'll appreciate this, it's the only thing my brain has been able to produce in more than a month.  
> This was also inspired by the wonderful song "Et je t'aime encore" of Céline Dion, one of my favourite French songs.  
> I suggest to give it a listen while reading this. The lyrics at the end are from that song, too.  
> Before you head for reading, I wanna give a huge thanks to Alex (@astrodrag) who took the time to beta this mess and encourage me with her comments! Lots of love ❤︎

_“What if you never come back to me?”_

_“Then I haven’t made it home yet – wait for me. I’ll always come back to you.”_

_“But I won’t know when you come home, until you really do...”_

_“You’re strong. Have some faith in you. In me. In us.”_

* * *

A long corridor, narrow and dark.

It was the only thing Crystal was able to decipher at that very moment. The hallways were of a decrepit white colour, tending more towards faded beige, yellowish even. Even if it was quite early in the morning, the sun was barely able to shine through its light in the hotel. Some old curtains adorned the only windows in sight, which were giving a view of a city still asleep. The ground, decorated with a carpet that probably had last seen a cleaning in the 20th century, was creaking under his feet that were moving with a pointed hesitation.

He wasn’t too sure of what he was doing here. Especially after so much time had passed. He had really tried – to come back, to hurry up, to return to hiding in the protective arms belonging to the only person he loved more than the fate of the world, his soulmate, his lover, his best friend, his everything. Unconsciously, he ran a hand along the chain hanging on his neck; the pendant that had caused all his problems and woes.

He moved with even more hesitation than before in the disgusting hallways – it was Jackie and Nicky that had told him where _he_ was hiding, shut in a small room of a shabby hotel for months on end. They barely had contact with _him_. They only had his address because they forced him to tell them, in case of emergency. But _he_ had warned them to never come see him – he wanted to be alone. He wasn’t on social networks anymore. He wasn’t reading his emails anymore. He wasn’t picking up the phone anymore. Rumour had that only his mother was able to come see him, once, and even then, it was only because of their close relationship.

Crystal grimaced, alone in the dark hallway, the lights above on the ceiling flickering eerily. He continued to walk slowly, however, before arriving at the end of the corridor. A room, the number 12 – how convenient – was located directly on the right, at the back. No other room was close to it. Crystal turned his head on the left, not really surprised to see a few rooms, but mostly a trail of garbage scattered here and there. The foul odor that emerged from it gained strength the longer he smelled it, and it was almost unbearable. Maybe it was because his senses were heightened since he came back? Who knows. 

From far away, he could hear voices screaming at each other, swearing and probably throwing objects, since he could also hear glass being broken against thin, barely insulated walls. Crystal could only imagine what kind of people lived there, be it on short or long term. He frowned, worried for the person occupying all his thoughts. Without realizing it, he made the small golden ring adorning his ring finger twirl lightly. Like an unfinished promise, like a promise to come back.

Immobilized in front of the door numbered with the 12, the figures in a situation just as precarious as the rest of the hotel, he knew he was only delaying the inevitable. But he was scared, scared to see what he’d found in there, of what would be happening, of the reaction of his partner. The joyful moments from season 12 with all their sisters seemed so far away in the back of his mind now.

Did they really happen? In this new reality where he had landed? According to Jackie and Nicky, yes. But Crystal had lived a thousand alternative lives before finding himself back into this one. A thousand of different scenarios where the only constant was his loneliness, because he always had to leave his lover, in the end.

What was real, what was false? It took him days before understanding that it was the _real_ version of the world – days were moving normally, like they should, but mostly, he was back at the very same day when he had left the first time. When he had exiled himself, for a few months, before trying the pendant on his neck. Because he wanted to know, he _needed_ to know, he craved knowledge and was plagued with curiosity. But it had a price – and it was a heavy one Crystal was barely able to bear on his shoulders.

Leaving behind his partner of all things, but also their sisters, his friends, and his family broke him, but he knew he had to go. He was a fierce believer of destiny – and if he had been given that pendant, then he had to make use of it, no?

It was also his destiny that brought him back right in front of the door of the person he held so close to his fragile heart. Damned would be anyone else, and everyone who had tried to keep him back, to tell him how it wasn’t a good idea. He had completely and stubbornly ignored them, obsessed by his overwhelming need to touch the pale skin of his lover again. That man whom he had missed the most at each turn of the ring searing on his finger; at each turn of the cube around his neck.

Without realizing it, his hand had moved out of its own accord to knock at the decrepit door in front of him. A single sound, a single knock. He was hearing it vibrate through the moldy wood door, he was hearing it vibrate in his eardrums, resonating uncomfortably like a shrill sound he couldn’t categorize. He was hearing it resonate in the empty corridor, apart from the waste littered there.

He got no answer, only the sound of the lock that was unlocking. The door wasn’t equipped with a peephole – so the person inside couldn’t know who it was. Crystal told himself that he was so secretive with his location that he probably thought it was his mother, or perhaps Jackie, with his stupid maternal instinct, always protecting the queen dubbed as “Baby Geege”.

Crystal waited a few seconds more, taking a rough breath – air wasn’t getting through his lungs in a satisfying way, he felt like he was suffocating, but was it from stress or just the sheer humidity of the place? His heart was thrumming uneasily, beating against his ribs painfully, like he had run a sprint – quite the opposite of how he actually got here, actually. He had given himself all the chances to turn back, but he was still here in the end. Pushing back the long strands of his mullet behind his ear, and out of the way of his chocolate eyes, he finally put a hand on the knob to enter the space occupied by his soulmate.

He had almost expected the doorknob to burn his palm, much like the searing phantom sensation he felt from time to time on his ring finger, but nothing. He had expected anything to happen, something, to make him go cowering back to his friends and family, and to leave _him_ alone, but nothing. The knob was warm, certainly, but it was normal in a hot and humid corridor like this one. The people of the hotel apparently didn’t know the whole concept of AC.

Stepping into the room, Crystal felt like he was falling into a trap, into the void itself – he didn’t know what to expect. The room had the same consistency as the corridor did – dark, humid, with barely any light coming through. Old, faded white curtains twirled under the soft wind of the morning. Like the rest of the hotel, there was no AC, no fan, absolutely no circulation of the air, which stayed heavy, oppressive, creating a weird sensation of unavoidable awkwardness.

The room was in tones of beige, grey and white, all faded, as if no modifications had been done in a long, long time – which was probably true. But what was interesting to him the most in the room was at the back of it, in front of the sole dirty windows of the small place. It only held a twin-sized bed, a shelf, a nightstand, and some kind of desk, all occupied with patrons and sheets. There was no TV, no computer, and no technology in sight, apart from the sewing machine on the ground, near the desk. Crystal knew that his partner didn’t really enjoy preparing for a show or design clothes with noise, but to have absolutely nothing like that? No distraction whatsoever? It was strange, even for him. From the corner of his eye, he could see another small room on the side, probably the bathroom.

Bringing back his dark eyes on the windows and the lone silhouette, Crystal sighed softly. Now that the pieces of the puzzle were in front of him, it was almost like if he suddenly had lost the ability to see colours to put them all together.

Gigi Goode hadn’t really changed – at least, for someone who would see him from afar, who knew him in a superficial way. But Crystal knew better, she wasn’t just anyone. The figure of the young man had always been frail and slender, but it was nothing like the silhouette that was crooked on the window sill, observing the morning sun rising. Even from afar, Crystal could easily see how much weight he had lost, the protruding bones of his spine, an old beige sweatshirt far too big on him now. His shirt felt at least three sizes too big, even if it was once upon a time just well-adjusted on him. His pale brown hair, usually well-kept and styled – _it grows too fast! I don’t wanna have a mullet like yours, I can’t pull it off_ – was now tousled and messy, falling in soft waves around his face. It was so much longer that Crystal had ever seen him sport. But it wasn’t a mullet. He almost smiled at that realization.

His face was hidden, but Crystal guessed it was mined by a rapid weight loss he had gone through in the last few months. Gigi was wearing a simple jean, also washed out and of a faded colour, held up by the sheer strength of his belt. He was barefoot as well, which surprised him, since he usually hated moving around without socks, shoes or at least, slippers.

“Gigi,” – Crystal murmured, his voice barely louder than the sounds of the cars that were starting to move in the wakening city. “Gigi, what happened…?” he started again, a bit more assured, but still with his voice quivering slightly. He saw the silhouette flinch, but not move. Attuned to his needs, like how they were for most of the season 12, he felt more than he heard the hopeless sigh of the other.

“Go away, I know it’s not real, _again_ ,” was the only answer he got. The voice was gravelly, not unlike if he hadn’t spoken in days – which was probably the truth.

“Not real…?”

“Every single day, you come see me, and I wanted to believe it, but after the last 151 days, I stopped.” A slight pause. “152, in fact.”

“Gigi, I am here, I promise you, I came back. I know you believe I am an illusion, but I’m really here, I swear.”

“So why don’t I feel anything anymore?” screamed Gigi, exasperated, abruptly smashing his fists down on the window sill in pure rage. He turned around, and Crystal was finally able to witness the true ravages of what his absence had done on the youngest. His brown eyes, as dark as his, were a far-cry from their usual clear and piercing look – they were now dark, inanimate, bloodshot. Long dark circles harbored under his eyes, only intensified by the presence of his glasses. His cheekbones were mined, sagging, under the lack of food and sleep. His lips were chapped, and bruised, like he had picked at them. A long stubble was scattered all-along the bottom of his face, and his neck, his chin.

Regardless of all these things, Crystal had never seen a more beautiful and handsome person than at that precise moment.

Without hesitation – a welcome change after all the shilly-shally of his day – Crystal drew near, skimming through the few meters separating them in the humid room, and gripped softly the haggard face of his partner, their foreheads smashing lightly against each other, without pain. He saw the darkened eyes of Gigi close, probably by habit – or because he was overwhelmed – and he quickly did the same. It was their moment, unbothered by the loud noises of the hotel or the city down below anymore. Crystal felt the warmth of the other against his own, instantly feeling more secure and protected by that than by everything else since he came back. His hands skid down, one passing softly in the unruly hair of Gigi, and the other laying down delicately on his best friend’s hip, lightly rubbing at the prominent bone there, careful to not hurt him. Gigi felt so small into his arms, so fragile, that Crystal was almost scared to break him.

After a moment – or maybe an eternity, time didn’t make much sense anymore for her – Crystal felt the shaky hands of Gigi move as well, one of them settling on his own, on the hipbone of the taller one. The other hand instead went up, and with hesitation, the tip of Gigi’s long fingers barely brushed his cheek. Instantly, he nuzzled against it, looking to get closer to the younger one, as he had always done in the past. They were close, but never close enough – he always needed _more_. A few irregular heartbeats later, the soft hand of Gigi gained weight on his skin, letting Crystal feel the coldness from his ring he was still wearing, identical to his own. The sensation made a shiver go through along his spine, ending at the dimples at the bottom of his back. Gigi was the only one who could elicit such reactions from him, so easily, with mundane actions. This time, he wasn’t blaming his highlighted senses. It was simply the hold Gigi had on him.

A part of him wanted to say something, but he also knew that their non-verbal communication was something akin to an Oscar performance, unlike the words they weren’t able to formulate correctly. Between Gigi, never able to express his feelings, and him, who babbled and basically said everything that passed through his head without having much order or sense.

Without realizing it, their noses were grazing, dancing dangerously together, like they always did. Crystal felt the tension sizzling between them, like burning heat during the long summers. The desire between them had always been present, slithering inside their relationship insidiously during the filming of season 12. Crystal took a short difficult breath, not particularly surprised to hear Gigi gulp audibly, being so close to him. He decided to take matters into his own hands, letting their lips touch softly in the end. He had waited all this time, a whole eternity, to be able to access it again.

He felt more than he heard the low moan from his partner against his lips, reverberating from his throat, and Crystal _knew_ he needed to stop before he absolutely lost all his control, before he lost his mind, because Gigi was making his head heavy and dizzy, unlike no other before him. The intoxicating smell of his body was going straight to his head, he felt like he was going to fall, and he knew that he needed to be in perfect control of himself, _no,_ of themselves because Gigi didn’t have that control. Not now.

It was the only reason that motivated him to move back slowly from the kiss, even when Gigi tried to chase his mouth, to bring him back closer with his hand still grabbing his cheek. However, Crystal fortunately had a strong hold on his hip and on his neck, just under the other’s hair, to keep him still. Gigi grumbled, but ended up resigning himself, reopening his dark, glossy eyes. “Welcome home,” he nevertheless mumbled softly. Never more beautiful words were spoken to Crystal ever – and he just brought the taller one into his arms fully, soaking up all that was purely Gigi.

* * *

A few minutes – or hours – later, Gigi had taken to show him around the rest of the small room he hadn’t given much attention earlier. This was including the back wall, upholstered with lyrics of songs, words _he_ himself had spoken during the show, completed and in-work designs, and ideas for costumes that seemed to be directly inspired from Crystal’s own looks during the season, but also, drawings of him. A large “ _Name Something_ ”, in all caps, clearly inspired by his time on the show, sat in the middle of the wall, with the rest all scattered around it. Crystal was surprised, since it was all drawn on the surface, and probably done by sheer memory. He knew Gigi was talented and had a gift from illustrating his thoughts, but this was just so much bigger. Probably the only thing he did for months, too.

Gigi had also shown him his small wardrobe, without any drag, no makeup, no heels, no wigs, nothing – this was so unlike him he had to double take. It only had dull clothes, all in tones of beige, grey or white. Like the hotel, Crystal realized, _or his state of mind_. The only clothes with some colour – and they stuck out like a sore thumb among the rest – were a jean vest with buttons and glitter everywhere, and a shirt with a questionable leopard print. Crystal knew them well – they were his. He took the vest first, dropping it on his shoulders, at ease with the weight of it. Crystal caught a whiff of a different odor than usual on it, though, but he knew that smell maybe even better than his own at that point.

“Hey, it smells like you now,” he teased the youngest, grinning at Gigi.

“I know. I wore it because I missed you too much,” confessed the other, heartbreak clear on his traits even more than before, making Crystal almost recoil from the force of it. In that moment, Crystal realized how broken Gigi was, and it was all his fault. He had left, and it had driven the other to hide and abandon everything he loved. He nibbled the inside of his mouth harshly, feeling blood mixing with saliva, and thought about how much worse he deserved than just a bite.

“I –“ Crystal started.

“You know, I try to dance at times, with imaginary music – though the neighbours do provide, huh, interesting songs at times. I can’t stand anything else than silence now,” Gigi carried on, without taking into account the start of Crystal’s sentence, that he was still trying to formulate correctly, without success. “I think it’s gonna rain, later, it’s pretty humid today.” Gigi hesitated, closing the door of his wardrobe finally, turning to watch Crystal with a soft, tender smile. “Well, it’s more humid than usual.”

Crystal nodded softly, not trusting his mouth to formulate coherent words for now. He had gotten the message loud and clear – Gigi _was_ Gigi. He wasn’t going to talk about his feelings that easily, especially something that cut him so deeply for months. Gigi always had a special smile for moments like this, that meant something along the lines of _I don’t wanna talk about, but, I know you’re here and I love you, or I forgive you_.

He turned his eyes to the corner of his partner’s bed, where there was a small bowl of food and water, coupled with a smaller white bed. He had vaguely seen it while coming inside the room, but Crystal had been completely submerged by his emotions for Gigi and he had forgotten about it until now. He pointed at it, catching Gigi’s focused gaze. “What’s that?”

The younger man had a soft smile playing on his pale lips. “ _This_ ,” he emphasized with a smirk, “is the brand new idea of my mom. She was scared that I’d try to… _well_. I wasn’t feeling good, so she felt like giving me an animal to take care of would help me – and give me some company.” Gigi whistled softly, and instantly, a small ginger ball came rushing from under the bed, stopping at the taller one’s feet. Instantly, the kitten tried to climb on Gigi, making him laugh tenderly, and he took him, cradling the animal carefully in his long arms. Crystal heard some small meows and the almost deafening purring of the kitten in the near silence of the room. He smiled with endearment, absolutely charmed by the little ball of ginger and white fur nestled carefully against its master. From his place, sitting on the edge of the bed, Crystal could see one of the ears of the kitten twitch under the wind from the cracked open window.

“This is Simba, he is my adventure buddy. They saved him from a storm outside during the last rainfall – he’s the only survivor of his litter. He’s pretty cheeky and playful, but I like him well enough,” admitted Gigi, scratching the head of the kitten, who tried to claw at him with mischievousness. Crystal smiled a bit more – he knew this was Gigi talk for _I love him more than anything and if something ever happens to him I’ll burn the world down to get vengeance_. It was a cute thing to witness. With a few more scratches, Gigi moved a bit to drop the small kitten on his smaller bed, moving to head for the bathroom instead, leaving Crystal with it.

Crystal took that time to observe more the small lion that seemed close to falling asleep, but was watching him carefully with a lazy eye. He _was_ cheeky, Crystal could see it, but she thought it was incredibly endearing. He loved animals, and he loved Gigi. And he could clearly see the similarities between the two personalities already: both being confident to the point of arrogance, strong, and proud of their talent, playfully and cheeky with their loved ones, but especially affectionate in private, even under their cold exterior.

Well, they did say like master like dog – or something. Crystal figured it was the same for cats, too.

Crystal dropped on the ground, on her stomach, right in front of the kitten, who was watching with a curious expression, since he was right at his height this time. Amused, Crystal moved his hand forward to tease Simba, and the ginger cat pounced on it, struggling fiercely against the “attacks” of Crystal and his hand. He scoffed, highly entertained by the small ball of fur, letting him nibble lightly on his skin in return.

He wasn’t sure how long he spent playing with Simba on the ground, but when he turned his head, he met the brown eyes of Gigi, full of amusement, love and endearment, probably for them both at the same time. The small kitten had fallen asleep in the middle of his palm, and Crystal shrugged softly. “I think I’m not allowed to move anymore.”

Gigi nodded, clearly amused by the whole situation. “I can see that. I think you’re stuck there for a while, he likes to sleep for hours on end.”

Crystal grimaced from the warning of the younger one. His hand was already falling asleep and it wouldn’t be too long before he’d felt uncomfortable. But, what kind of monster would refuse the comfort and warmth of his palm to a small lion without parents?

Gigi seemed to sense the debate settling in his soulmate’s head, and simply came close to drop on the ground next to him – Crystal had turned on his side at some point while playing with Simba. The taller one made sure to close in on his back, all their body parts touching easily, with Gigi spooning him carefully. The warmth between their contact points, unlike the one surrounding them, was pleasing to experience. Crystal felt the trembling fingers of Gigi move his long hair slightly, and, a few seconds later, she sensed the searing sensation of Gigi’s breathing on his nape, followed on by his lips. He felt his partner’s nose graze his neck, his soft and burning hands surround his waist strongly. Stuck between the peace he gained from Gigi spooning him like they had done so many times in the past and the tenderness he felt from the small kitten quietly sleeping in his palm, he smiled. For the first time, the time that was slipping out wasn’t bothering him – Crystal knew they would make it alive.

_Mais où es-tu?_

_Si loin sans même une adresse_

_Et que deviens-tu?_

_L'attente est ma seule caresse_

_Et je t'aime encore_

_Comme dans les chansons banales_

_Et ça me dévore_

_Et tout le reste m'est égal!_

_De plus en plus fort_

_À chaque souffle, à chaque pas_

_Et je t'aime encore!_

_Et toi, tu ne m'entends pas…_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for making through this. I really enjoy this work. I just can't look at it anymore if I wanna stay sane.  
> Always feel free to send comments and leave kudos, and I'm at @fromthenorthernskies on tumblr as well.


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